The Real Deal About Email Marketing (Like, Actually Real)
Okay, Let's Talk About Email Marketing
You know what’s kind of wild? I was just cleaning out my own inbox yesterday (finally getting to those hundreds of unread emails – we’ve all been there, right?), and it hit me: even though I’m writing a guide about email marketing, I’m just as guilty of ignoring emails as anyone else. Which, honestly, makes me pretty qualified to talk about what works and what doesn’t. Because, let’s face it, if I’m ignoring certain emails, your customers probably are too.
Oh wait, maybe I should introduce myself first? I apologize for my hasty decision. Though actually, this is exactly what happens with most email marketing campaigns—people jump in without thinking things through. See what I did there? Accidental teaching moment!
What's an Email Marketing Campaign? (No, Really, What Is It?)
Okay, so… takes deep breath… let me try to explain this without sounding like a textbook. Do you recall how your friend, who is deeply passionate about CrossFit, consistently sends you messages in the hopes that you will eventually enroll? No? Just my friend Dave? Well, anyway, that’s kind of like an email marketing campaign, except hopefully way more professional and less annoying.
Hold up—that’s not the best example. Let me start over.
An email marketing campaign is… well… it’s like… You know what? Instead of defining it, let me tell you about this absolute disaster of a campaign I ran last year. We sent out this series of emails about our new product launch, and I was so proud of the clever subject lines I’d written. It turns out I was so focused on being clever that I completely forgot to actually tell people what the product was until email #4. facepalm
Why Email Marketing Still Works (Even Though I Just Told You About My Massive Fail)
Look, I know I’m not exactly selling this whole email marketing thing with my stories of failure, but stick with me here. This is actually important:
1.
- It's Cheap (Like, Really Cheap) Wait, that sounds bad. Let me rephrase – it's "cost-effective." Though honestly, cheap is more accurate. You can reach thousands of people for less than the cost of that fancy coffee drink you probably have right now. (Speaking of which, I need to refill my cup... be right back...)
One coffee break later…
2.
- You Actually Own Your List Unlike social media where... oh man, don't even get me started on the Instagram algorithm changes. Actually, you know what? Let me get started on that because it proves my point perfectly. Last month, our Instagram reach dropped by 50% overnight. Just poof – gone. But our email list? Still there, still reaching people, still reliable. Well, except for that time we accidentally sent the same email three times in an hour. But that was totally user error (sorry again, subscribers!).
3.
- Direct Access to People's Inboxes Which is both awesome and terrifying when you think about it. It's like having a direct line to someone's digital living room. Don't abuse this power. I learned that lesson after sending daily emails for a week straight. The unsubscribe rate was... let's just say it wasn't pretty.
The "How-To" Part
(Or: What I Learned From Messing Up A Lot)
1. First, You Need Goals (I Know, I Know, Bear With Me)
Fun story: My first email campaign had exactly zero goals. Well, that's not entirely true. The goal was "send emails and hope something good happens." Spoiler alert: nothing good happened.
Now I do this instead (when I remember... which isn't always... but I'm trying):
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Write down what you want to achieve
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No, like, actually write it down
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Wait, hang on – make it specific
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Actually, let me backtrack again – make it realistic too
For example, “make a million dollars from one email” is technically specific, but unless you’re Apple or Amazon, it’s probably not realistic. I can attest to this, having experienced it firsthand. Multiple times. Because sometimes I’m a slow learner.
2. Know Your Audience (Or At Least Pretend To)
Oh boy, this is where I really messed up when I first started. I used to think "knowing your audience" meant knowing they had an email address. That's it. That was my entire audience strategy.
Nervous laughter
Let me tell you how that worked out... Actually, no, let's skip that horror story and go straight to what I learned:
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Different people like different things (groundbreaking, I know)
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Some people open every email (bless them)
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Some people never open emails (why are they on our list again?)
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Some people... wait, I lost my train of thought
Oh right! The point is, you need to segment your audience. Which is just a fancy way of saying “don’t send the same exact email to everyone because that’s lazy and it doesn’t work.“
3. Creating Content That Doesn't Suck
This is probably a good time to mention that I once sent an email with Lorem Ipsum text still in it. You know, that fake Latin placeholder text? Yeah... that happened. So maybe I'm not the best person to talk about content creation, but here's what I've learned anyway:
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Keep them short (unlike this bullet point list, which is getting kind of long)
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Make them interesting (but not clickbait-y – we're not BuzzFeed circa 2015)
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Test different approaches (just maybe not 20 variations like I did that one time... my boss was not amused)
Email Body:
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Start with a hook (not like this bullet point)
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Tell a story (preferably one that actually relates to your point)
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Include a clear call to action (unlike me right now... I should probably add one...)
4. Timing Matters (But It's Not Everything)
Okay, funny story about timing. I once scheduled an entire campaign to go out at 3 AM instead of 3 PM. But you know what? Our open rates weren't actually that bad! Turns out we had more night owls on our list than we thought.
Still, here's what generally works:
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Tuesday through Thursday (because Monday... ugh)
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Morning or afternoon (not 3 AM unless you're specifically targeting insomniacs)
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Not during major holidays (learned that one after sending a promotional email on Christmas morning – not my finest moment)
5. Tracking Results (The Part Most People Skip)
I used to think tracking meant checking if anyone complained. Spoiler alert: that's not tracking. That's just waiting for bad news.
Here's what you should actually track:
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Open rates (how many people actually open your emails)
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Click rates (how many click on your links)
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Conversion rates (how many do the thing you want them to do)
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Unsubscribe rates (how many people you've annoyed enough to leave)
Actually, thinking about it now, maybe I should have put this section earlier. Oh well, we’re here now!
Common Problems (And How to Fix Them)
Spam Filters
Listen, if your email ends up in spam, it’s probably trying to tell you something. I once had an entire campaign go to spam because I used the word “FREE” in all caps 17 times. I counted. Because I had time to count after no one saw the emails.
Low Open Rates
This could mean:
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Your subject lines are boring
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Your timing is off
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Your list is dead
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All of the above (it's usually all of the above)
High Unsubscribe Rates
This one hurts. It's like getting dumped by hundreds of people at once. But it's usually because:
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You're emailing too often
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Your content isn't relevant
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You're being too salesy
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You accidentally sent the same email five times (hypothetically speaking, of course)
In Conclusion (Sort Of)
Look, I’ve made every mistake possible in email marketing. Literally every single one. I once sent an email with the subject line “INSERT CATCHY SUBJECT LINE HERE” because I forgot to change it from the template. But you know what? People actually opened that one because they thought it was funny.
Maybe that’s the real lesson here – we’re all just humans sending emails to other humans. Sometimes we mess up, sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we accidentally send test emails to our entire list (hypothetically speaking, of course… cough).
Just start somewhere. Make mistakes. Learn from them. And maybe, just maybe, don’t do what I did and schedule emails for 3 AM instead of 3 PM. Though actually, our night shift workers really appreciated that one…
Oh! One last thing before I go… Actually, never mind, I forgot what I was going to say. But that’s kind of perfect for this guide, don’t you think?
The End (For real this time) (No, seriously) (Okay, I’m actually done now)
P.S. If you made it this far, congratulations! You’re officially better at reading emails than 90% of people. That’s not a real statistic, but it feels true, right?
A: Oh boy, this is like asking “how many times should I text my ex?” – it depends, but less is probably better. Okay, sorry, bad analogy. Let me try again: Most businesses do fine with 1-4 emails per month. Though I once worked with a company that sent daily emails and somehow made it work. They were selling coffee though, and people are really passionate about coffee. Actually, thinking about it now, that might have been the key – their audience genuinely wanted daily coffee content. The point is: start with once a week and adjust based on your engagement rates and unsubscribes.
A: nervous laughter Well, I used to think anything above 0% was good because hey, at least someone opened it! But actually, industry averages are usually between 15-25%. Though I once got a 78% open rate… but that was because I accidentally sent an email with “URGENT: YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN CANCELLED” as the subject line. Don’t do that. The legal team had some words with me about that one.
A: First off, thank you for not wanting to buy a list! I tried that once and… wait, no, I’m not supposed to admit to that. Let’s pretend I never said that. Here’s what actually works:
- Create something people actually want (revolutionary concept, I know)
- Offer it for free in exchange for emails
- Put sign-up forms everywhere (but not, like, EVERYWHERE everywhere – there’s a limit)
- Use social media to promote your list
- Ask your mom to subscribe (kidding… kind of)
A: Been there! Actually, still there sometimes. Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Don’t write like a spammer (you know, “BUY NOW!!!! FREE!!!!! LIMITED TIME!!!!!!”)
- Use a reputable email service provider
- Clean your list regularly (remove the people who never open your emails)
- Don’t use words like “free” or “buy now” too much… oh wait, I just used them both. Well, do as I say, not as I do!
A: Yes.
…Oh, you wanted a real answer? Sorry! The truth is, it depends on your audience and goal. I’ve seen 5,000-word emails work great for some businesses and two-sentence emails work for others. Though personally, I tend to ramble on forever, as you might have noticed from this entire guide. Actually, this answer is becoming a perfect example of what not to do…
A: This is like the “pineapple on pizza” debate of email marketing. Actually, no – people are way more passionate about the pineapple thing. But here’s my take: Use HTML when you want things to look pretty, use plain text when you want things to feel personal. Or do what I did once and accidentally send both versions simultaneously. (Pro tip: Don’t do that last one.)
A: First, delete whatever clever thing you just wrote. Trust me. I once spent two hours crafting what I thought was the most brilliant subject line ever, only to realize I’d misspelled our company name. But seriously:
- Keep it under 50 characters
- Make it relevant to the content (I know, shocking advice)
- Test different approaches
- Don’t try to be too clever (learn from my mistakes)
- Actually tell people what’s inside the email (revolutionary, I know)
A: According to every marketing study ever: Tuesday at 10am. According to reality: it totally depends on your audience. I once accidentally scheduled a campaign for 3am (we’ve covered this) and got better results than our “perfect timing” campaigns. The real answer? Test different times and see what works for YOUR list.
A: First off, maybe don’t phrase it like that – sounds a bit desperate. Actually, speaking of desperate, let me tell you about this campaign where I put 37 different calls-to-action in one email… Don’t do that. Instead:
- Make your CTAs clear and obvious
- Tell people why they should click
- Use buttons (people like buttons)
- Don’t use too many links (unlike this guide)
A: Oh man, automation. It’s like having a clone of yourself sending emails, except sometimes your clone goes rogue and sends the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. But when it works, it’s magical. Just make sure to:
- Test everything. Then test it again
- Don’t get too complicated too fast
- Always have a fail-safe
- Never set up automated emails right before going on vacation (trust me on this one)
A: Okay, so everyone will tell you that you need 47 different tools to do email marketing right. Actually, thinking about it, I probably have about that many unused subscriptions right now… But really, you need:
- A reliable email service provider (ESP)
- Something to track your metrics (usually comes with your ESP)
- A way to create decent-looking templates
- A good cup of coffee (technically optional, but highly recommended)